Good Relationships Fall Apart
Good relationships can fall apart. They can and they do. And you know what? It may be the best thing that can happen to you.
If you've ever felt the ground shift beneath your relationship—whether romantic, friendship, or family—you know that sinking feeling when everything you thought was solid suddenly feels fragile. The conversations that once flowed easily become strained. The person you thought you knew seems like a stranger. The future you planned together feels uncertain and a distance starts to emerge.
Here's what we want you to know: this falling apart isn't the end of your story, it's the beginning of something far more extraordinary than what you had before. Here's why:
The Natural Rhythm of Growth
Every living thing follows cycles of breakdown and renewal. Trees shed their leaves to grow stronger roots. Butterflies dissolve in their cocoon before emerging transformed. Our relationships are no different.
When relationships "fall apart," what's actually happening is that the old structure—the patterns, assumptions, and ways of being together that once served us —have become too small for who we're becoming. The breakdown isn't a failure; it's a natural way to make space for expansion.
The Alternative to Breaking Down is Breaking Up
Here's the truth most people don't realise: relationships that never fall apart don't stay strong—they slowly decay and lose integrity from the inside. When we avoid the difficult conversations, suppress our changing needs or cling to outdated dynamics, we create stagnation. And stagnation, ultimately leads to resentment, disconnection, and eventually, the kind of ending that truly breaks things beyond repair.
The relationships that endure aren't the ones that never face challenges. They're the ones that learn to fall apart gracefully and rebuild intentionally. Trust us we've been through quite a few of these breakdowns.
What Becomes Possible
When you allow your relationship to fall apart—to have those hard conversations, to acknowledge the discomfort of what is no longer working for you, and to take a stand for yourself and the relationship —you create space for something new and remarkable to show up:
Deeper authenticity: You get to show up as who you really are now, not who you were when the relationship began or even who you were last week!
Renewed intimacy: If you choose to recreate together, you're choosing each other with full awareness, not just habit and familiarity or obligation and duty. It strengthens your commitment to each other.
Resilience: You learn that your connection can weather storms, making you braver in love and stronger in your trust of each other. This creates deeper love and acknowledgement of who you are for each other.
Expanded capacity: Your relationship becomes bigger than either of you could have imagined possible. You are able to expand as individuals and together and the bonds of love grow more resilient and capable of dealing with more or bigger challenges.
You know the person on the other side of this breakdown will still be the same person you love, but your love will be more spacious and understanding, less triggered and reactive. You are both left feeling more real, more authentic and alive in your connection.
Getting Through the Storm
We can attest that this process of falling apart is undeniably difficult - it can feel like you are splitting up or breaking apart. Sometimes you feel like you're grieving the relationship while still in it. We know how frightening it can be to question the relationship and it's viability. We feel it's natural to question everything you thought you knew about your partner and yourself and to consider whether the relationship is still serving you. However, these periods of questioning and breaking down existing patterns and entrenched assumptions were absolutely imperative for our growth, both individually and as a couple.
Rather than trying to create a no questioning policy, we recommend enquiring into what is working and whats not on a regular basis. The more you do it the more comfortable and safe it becomes.
Some key points we’ve learnt in our relationship journey of 14 years are:
· We can’t choose the breakdowns, but we can choose the breakthrough! We invite you to let that one sink in.
· How important it is for us to trust the process, even when we can't see where it's leading. A mantra we use often is "It’s all working out beautifully. in our favour"
· The need to stay curious about what it is that’s emerging rather than trying to hold on and defend what was. And we've learned that holding on can be extremely painful!
· Remembering that discomfort and breakdown is NOT danger—it's a sign that something between us needs to change. (Often it's the limited perception we had of ourselves that needed to shift)
· It IS possible to bring a sense of safety to this process, we just had to stop relating to each other as the enemy.
Beyond What We Thought Was Possible
Our relationship has sustained many breakdowns and breakthroughs over our 14 years together. The relationship that emerged for us following every breakdown has surpassed anything that we believed was possible based on our past experiences. We have became more open and vulnerable, more understanding of each others needs and ultimately, we've become closer and more loving and accepting of each other.
The experience for us has been truly surprising and exhilarating. We've seen the same amazement in our clients as they have gone through this process too!
When you take on this way of seeing your relationship, you may discover depths of connection you never knew existed. You might find that your capacity for love—both giving and receiving—has expanded in ways that transform not just this relationship, but all your relationships.
You see the breakdown you're afraid of, might actually be the breakthrough you've been unconsciously longing for. AND it’s ok to get professional help when your relationship feels like it is falling apart. It can be so helpful to have someone who is astute and experienced to guide you through the process.
A New Beginning
If you are in a relationship that is currently falling apart, we can’t tell you it's going to be easy. It’s usually not. But you don't have to be in a period of prolonged suffering either.
Like the disintegrating castle in the tarot, sometimes we have to stop ‘trying to hold a relationship together’. Instead, we consciously let it fall apart, let ourselves fall apart, so we can discover what we truly have. When we do this as a conscious choice, with the support and guidance we need, what emerges is something really worth the effort. We've never regretted putting in the work.
This is where we see relationships fall apart and end. We see people unwilling to face what’s there to face, because they don't know how (they were never taught the tools) to navigate through hard times and difficult moments.
After going through extensive breakdowns/breakthroughs in our own relationship, we've learned how to trust that what is falling away needs to go and to find the strength to build something better.
We developed our own highly effective tools for guiding ourselves through this process more easily. This enabled us to trust, that the love that brought us together was strong enough to survive these transformations, and to let ourselves be transformed by it.
We let ourselves change.
And we can tell you this: Change can happen fast! On the other side of a relationship disintegration lies the possibility of a connection more beautiful and authentic than anything you've experienced before. It's worth the effort.
If you would like to develop the skills to navigate difficulties or transform and deepen your relationships, check out our Love, Sex and Power Lab 7 Week Online Course. Or if you would prefer more one to one support, contact us for individual and couple sessions.
We are here to help you expand and grow in all your relatonships!
With love,
Ian and Tia